Ending therepy for dermadillomania

I have just had a bad two weeks, since i surgested stopping therapy with LL. The first week was not too bad, i was determined to show her i could do it. i wanted to show her my arms were on the way to healing and i was feeling positive. So week two, 3 out of 5 nights i took every scab off. They will never heal now in time. Worse still, some of them are starting to track, by that i mean starting to have red on skin going away from the wounds. I know that means infection and celulitus. So i got to thinking why? Is it a reaction to stopping therapy? It was my idea to stop so that would be silly. Then i got to thinking why did i want to stop therapy? For quite a few sessions, even before dads heart attack got us off topic, i felt like i wasn't engaging any more. I stopped doing my chart about positive things, i stopped taking my folder to meetings. I think i felt that it was going nowhere, we were just tinkering around the edges. Trying to find ways of forcing me to stop picking. Don't get me wrong, some of the things was working, sometimes, but not all the time. Yes i know there are 30+ years of habit to reverse and then there are the pleasure rewards going off in my head. But i still don't feel like i know why i do it. I have lots of reasons, or excuses, but why? I just don't really know. Do i like the pain so much? Is it really just the satisfaction you get from peeling the scabs? Is it deeper, i don't deserve to look nice? Or is it just because I can? A type of control issue? Or is it all of these? Is there anything else to achieve by continuing therapy? So why did i sabotage the hope of healing skin for next week? Is it because i don't want the therapy to stop? Why have i continually put off doing the body map? Again that was my idea. So many questions are buzzing around in my head.